Changing a Person

Once there was a small boy whose grandma had given him a drum for his b’day. He loved the drum very much, and played with it all day long – bang, bang, bang – much to the annoyance of his parents and neighbors.

The parents pampered, begged, warned, scolded, gave fear the young boy to stop, but he ignored them and just carried on – bang, bang, bang – all the day.

The parents in desperation, sought the help of a respected doctor. The doctor tried explaining to the child how constant noise was damaging his eardrums.

But the advice was too advanced for the child, who did not know what an eardrum was, so he went on playing.

The parents called in a respected teacher. The teacher tried giving the boy a book of instructions, saying that if he read the book his drum playing would improve.

But the child found the instruction book too long and boring and so he abandoned it and went on playing.

Then parents sought the help of a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gave the boy some meditation exercises and some lessons in anger management.

All that happened was that the boy slowed down his playing for a short time and then, refreshed, would start playing again all the more vigorously.

Then a sufi, a wise man, who happened to be passing, heard the tale of little boy and the drum. He listened to the child for a short while and then handed the boy a hammer and chisel, saying, “I wonder if you can find out what’s inside this drum?”

People do not change their behavior just because you want them to. Reasoning, morality, punishment, threat, fear or anger may help on the surface to alter their behavior temporarily but not from the core of their hearts. You are already defeated if employing these methods. People don't change their behavior unless it makes a difference for them to do so. We all choose to make changes, and there has to be a personal motivation that prompts the person to change their behavior – either potential pleasure to be gained or the potential pain to be avoided. Try to look at people's behavior in terms of their dream, goal/ambition, needs, wants and motives. You alone cannot change people behavior, only they themselves can. However, you can influence them to do so by setting your own behavior example and by motivating, encouraging, praising, supporting and if possible rewarding their sincere efforts for either gaining potential pleasure or avoiding potential pain.